Inspired by the DJ’s incredibly wise and inspiring music choice of dubstep violin, on Thursday, May 1, 2014, Mathew Lew made dodgeball history. Not once, but twice did Lew find himself outnumbered 4 to 1, with his team on the verge of elimination. But instead of letting the haters hold him back and crumpling under the immense pressure, Lew defied the odds, putting the team on his back Greg Jennings style and systematically eliminated his opponents with an unreal combination of throwing kills (7), catches (8) and psychological warfare (too many instances to count).
While he stole headlines from even the most attention seeking seniors (see Holmes, Noah), Lew wasn’t the only one that made the news last week:
- The drama surrounding Team Carlson’s “Cookiegate” scandal seems to have finally died down, as test results from an official investigation into Team Carlson’s alleged “cookies” turned out negative when tested for HGH and other banned substances. Good for the sport, even greater for Grandma Judy’s reputation.
- Tears filled the BCS gym as spectators watched Mark Chen die a record seven times in one game, apparently all in a heroic effort to sacrifice himself for his teammates. Whether or not he actually said that, we may never know. But we can assume.
- The sort of acclaimed “Smif Report” met initial success, bringing in
what you would expect from a fake news reportan impressive amount of web traffic. Adam Smith’s hard pressing interview questions included hot button topics like ranking “Charmander, Bulbazor, and Squirtle” and asking his interviewees to choose between Avatar: The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra.
Monday (5/5): Team Song vs. Team McQuaid
Alex Kawaguchi makes his first appearance for Team Song as Team McQuaid’s Peter Besel prepares to ball out against fellow freshmen opponents Fuller Rivera and Will Stelter.
Tuesday (5/6): Team Schimke vs. Team Parsons; Team Holmes vs. Team Razor
Isaac Lin looks to rebound from his tiring weekend as an elephant to help Team Parsons gain the edge over cross-country phenom Craig Lambert and Team Schimke. There’s also a second game, or something.
Wednesday (5/7): The Teachers vs. Team Kimbell
Men and philosophies come and go, but Larry Anderson forming a teacher dodgeball team will always remain. Anderson will likely look towards mild-mannered but laser armed athletic director Mark DeJonge when strategizing on how to beat Team Kimbell. If all else fails, expect a timely suspension to come Matthew Lew’s way right before lunch.
Stay tuned every day for The Smif Report, where Adam Smith will conduct post-game interviews with all of your favorite dodgeball players.
Reach Nathan Parsons at nathanparsons98@yahoo.com to complain, rant, or comment on this kind of fictitious blog post.
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