From news talk radio to social
media to the halls of Bellevue Christian, one question has stumped professional
analysts and average dodgeball fans alike: Can Matthew Lew be beaten on a dodgeball court? Down 1-0 to Team Holmes in one of last week’s semifinal matchups, Lew found himself, once again, as the lone remaining player for Team Kimbell. Against nearly impossible odds, the freshman fell back on his tried and true conservative strategy: Wait patiently on the back line, creating the necessary space to use his unreal catching abilities to make him virtually unbeatable in a one-on-one situation.
After 20 excruciating minutes that involved negotiations with the vice principal to let the game bleed into Team Time, Team Kimbell rode an extraordinary 11 catches from Lew to the win, evening the series with Team Holmes at 1-1. In a BCS Dodgeball first, the definitive final game will be played on Monday (5/12), for the right to play the balanced and brilliantly led Team Parsons in the inaugural “SuperBall” the following day.
- Proudly declaring that he tried to “rig” the draft by threatening to intentionally step over the line (essentially dodgeball suicide) if drafted by certain captains, senior Josh Hazen ironically saw his BCS dodgeball career end by accidently stepping over the line twice in Team McQuaid’s upset loss to the sophomore laden Team Song. Thanks to avid reader Luke Postma for the acute observation.
- Noah Holmes underwent a satisfying catharsis on Wednesday, as he found himself in a position as head referee to call out Larry Anderson for “stepping over the line.” The Teachers would eventually go on to lose 2-0 at the hands of Team Kimbell, despite 2 KOs from Dodgeball rookie Mr. Mullinnex.
- Caught up in the aftermath of Matthew Lew’s semi-finals heroics is the fact that Team Holmes actually won the first game in the three game series, largely because of three “incredibly clutch” catches and a plethora of athletic dodges from Camilla Carpenter.
- Emotions ran high in the BCS gym as Mark Chen’s innumerable sacrifices failed to pay dividends for Team Song, who lost in a 2-0 sweep to Team Parsons. A furious David Postma assured media after the game that he would work all offseason and return with the vengeance of “a thousand white hot suns.”
Monday (5/12): Team Kimbell
vs. Team Holmes (1 game playoff)
In perhaps the most anticipated
matchup in BCS Dodgeball history, the scrappy Morgan Becker and Sean MacIndoe of
Team Holmes need to find a way to neutralize Matthew Lew. But let’s not forget
about Conner Blakeslee, who has a reputation for fixing things.
Wednesday (5/13): Team
Parsons vs. Team Holmes or Team Kimbell (SUPERBALL)
No matter who comes out of the
one game playoff, either team will face its toughest opponent in Team Parsons,
highlighted by Isaac “Imma gon’ tear ya’ll into finite, insignificant shreds”
Lin. It remains to be seen the special surprises Senate has in store for “Superball,”
but let’s hope it’s no, don’t you dare make that asinine pun you moronic “writer”
just super.
Reach Nathan Parsons at nathanparsons98@yahoo.com to complain, rant, or comment on this kind of fictitious blog post.
